Ambivalent

ambivalent adj. having uncertainty due to conflicting emotions

I like this word. Sometimes I feel like all I ever am is ambivalent, but it is always resorted back to my original resolve. Hm, a current situation where I have felt ambivalent? Oh, I am applying to be the Webmaster of my school's Key Club. I was very excited at first because then I would be able to learn more about html, where I've always wanted to, and implement it on an actual website. I imagined it to be very artistic and pleasing to the cornea but as I look at the questions on the application, I was disappointed to find out that the site would remain as a tumblr. I don't know, the idea of having a blog, one such as tumblr, serve as a base for information is kind of peculiar to me. I am ambivalent about applying, but hey, who says I will be chosen?

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I was ambivalent before as well, but I've come to the conclusion: I do.

Perturbed

perturbed verb upset, unsettle

I don't know where to put my hatred.

I don't know where I can go to so the darkness will willing walk away.

I don't know where to turn to.

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I sure hope you aren't perturbed as well.

Thirst for Knowledge

Tonight, I had the most, in my 10 years of being able to think, fascinating conversation. I learned theories and opinions about the most ordinary things. The thoughts about religion, human evolution, government and time travel. It made me actually want to try in school and do my homework so that I can come up with these types of theories as well. But when I think about it on a higher level, I'm still tired of high school. Even so, I want to become smart. When people used to know how to solve a math problem or know lots of vocabulary words, I would call them smart. Epiphany strikes when there is so much more to it. Yeah, there are many knowledgeable people, but those that know what others don't are the smart ones. Those that have bizarre knowledge that a majority of people would call crazy. I was simple intrigued in what he had to say that it gave me inspiration to do well in school. Know everything I can so that I can have intellectual conversations like that. Man, it was awesome.

I can't wait for college. That way, I might actually have a chance in talking with people that are smart and don't just care about what they're wearing the next day.

Break-Time

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~;Happy Gobble Gobble Gobble;~

Sycophant

sycophant noun servile flatter;bootlicker;yes man

That's right; it is exactly what the definition says it is, a bootlicker. You know that irritating girl that likes to make small talk with the teacher? She is a sycophant. How about that guy that just enjoys making unnecessary comments to the boss that he thinks are witty? He is a sycophant.

I never liked them. Not only does that set higher standards for everyone else in the class, it's also really annoying. Before, I used to think it was un-fair that those people would receive the higher grade when they licked the boot. But growing older, I've come to realize that's how it goes.

It's hard to find genuine people nowadays.

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Enjoy your Wednesdays~

Bemused

bemused adj. lost in thought; preoccupied

10:53 p.m. Monday night. Monday means school the next day, having school the next day means having homework due. In my case, I have plenty to finish and plenty to make up. Even with the reality bluntly shown, here I am typing the blog. The textbook is opened to Section 3 about Woman and Reform. I take a sigh. I don't, in the slightest bit, care.

I have a lot of Physics things to do, including a Physics lab report that was due today that I couldn't do due to the misplacement of the data. Right, I also have that packet I have to make up. Fuck, I also have a test tomorrow on vectors. Why do I have the seemingly most important class first period at 7:15 a.m? What about that math test Wednesday? What other shit do I have to do...hah, or more like, what other shit am I not going to do?

And you'd think my mind would be bemused by school related thoughts.

Oh how incorrect you are.~

Jocular

Jocular adj intended to be humorous; in a joking manner

Teachers, esp. first period, try to be jocular and they expect the class to erupt in laughter. I don't believe that has ever happened. It tends to backfire, but that's not the most annoying case.

When people [I don't know, especially girls]try to pass things on like a joke.

ej: "Look at the bitch coming right now" or "You're so stupid"

Usually these are followed by weak laughs and that, cheek to cheek kiss.

I don't know. Is it funny?

Insouciant

insouciant adj. having no care or anxieties; light-hearted, carefree

Are you an insouciant person? I don't think that any one can truly be carefree, I mean, no one has yet to prove me wrong. You can have no care but that doesn't mean you don't have anxieties.

Lately, I've developed the "I don't give a shit about anything" attitude. I can't tell if it's good or bad. I mean, if my peers tell me they don't care about school, my immediate reaction is to bash out on their bad habits. Hench, bad. But, it's not...a bad feeling. I come home to do nothing and wake up extra early to do homework. What's the big deal?

It doesn't mean that I'm illiterate or don't have common sense. I mean, not caring about school is the extent I'd go to. My grades are slipping but only to a B+ and my homework is sloppy. When those schmoes cut class and go into my class with the substitute, volume increases to an annoyingly unbearable level. Even so, I don't hear much because I summon a bubble and as the voices drown out, my facial expression probably one of discontent.

I simply do not have regard for much, but not til insouciant. [insert exceptions here]

Break-Time

Schmo

schmo noun a foolish, boring or stupid person; jerk

....

I just thought it would be a good word to know.

I'm sure there are people you'd like to call a schmo.

Interrupt-Time

I will try and find more nouns instead of adjectives.

They're just so easy to write with.

Dogmatic

dogmatic adj asserting opinions and beliefs as though they were proven facts

Oh, don't I have a lot to write about this one. I clearly have two tests tomorrow that I will probably receive 40s on and yet, I am here to do my daily blogging. I'm so incompetent.

Let's start with a sentence shall we?

When asked, people were very dogmatic when they spoke of how wonderful [insert high school here] was.

BOY, were they wrong~ I can't begin to explain how wrong they were. I can't begin to explain how stupid I was as to fall for their "trap". I've always struggled with remembering the definition of this word, and now, I think it'll be easy to remember. My school? Hm...maybe ten years from now I will look back and think it wasn't so bad because it has already passed. As of right now, it is nothing short of...shit. I try to make this blog as truthful as possible so I won't sugar coat it.

OH, or,

Dogmatic behavior was shown when a student tried to argue to Jay that her problems were clearly more important.

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Good day to you all;

Mercurial

mercurial adj changeable;fickle

Maybe saying I'm fickle is too much of an extreme? I'm usually neutral, I mean unless something annoys me or I encounter something nice. I was going for a more, grey tone as for being an offspring.

Can't decide on black or white? Compromise. Grey all the way.

Well, that's all for today. So here's a sentence for the lack of length:

A mercurial teacher is one that is often disliked.

Halcyon

halcyon adj calm, peaceful

Today, I went to my friend's house to work on mural for our dear friend. As they were busy fixing her silhouette, I sat there, pancake style, and looked at them. They were analyzing how the legs should be crossed. I watched them scribble and sketch. I held the pencil in my hand, but it dare not move. My mind did not sing of any songs nor did it think of any homework that had to be done. I haven't been in that state for a really long time, and from all the hatred and despair, it was different.

It was very halcyon.

Stupefy

stupefy verb. to overwhelm with amazement, astound, astonish

Before I completely pass out due to the deprivation of sleep, I like to lay down on my bed and take a heavy sigh. Then, there are three things I usually do after:

1. think about the homework that has yet to be done, how early I will be waking up
2. cry about, everything that makes me sad
3. not give a shit about anything and just sleep

One night, I took my usual sigh and even with all the lights off, it was still kind of bright. I was awfully confused. Then, I realized it was the "moonlight". The moon has never shone through my windows before at night and lucky me, it was a full moon. I had the urge to change sides but after another second of it shining in my face, I liked it. It was an intriguing feeling of awkwardness and enjoyment. I wanted to stay up longer to enjoy it's convenient presence, but I passed out.

I was very much stupefied.

~;Happy 11/11/11;~

Tenebrous

tenebrous adj. dark and gloomy, obscure

Today I decided that I wanted to go to my aunt's house after Ping Pong Club. After stepping out of the train station and laughing about clubs, I began to walk through Leif Ericson while having A Room - YUI fill the emptiness in my mind. The wind was interacting with the color changing trees in a blissful way. The wind kissed my cheek and the leaves around me danced their way to the broken,cemented road. My lips formed into a smile before I knew it and my eyes began fill up with tears. I didn't know what to feel. As I looked into the park, flashbacks of memories play in fast forward without any added soundtrack. The leaves continued to dance and the trees continued to sing.

As I walked back into the smelly streets filled with purposeless people, I looked up into the sky. It was like a palette of grey, white to the darkest shade. It was the most unnatural grey I've seen. It was as if the sky tried so hard to show it's discontent by blackening itself. Again, I didn't know what to feel. I felt sorrow and anger and hatred. Humans really are a disappointing species.

It was indeed very tenebrous.

Ambiguous

ambiguous adj. having a double meaning

Junior year arrives as nothing short of tough. Loads of homework and AP classes fill up the daily schedule. Me, on the other end of hard work, have zero APs and less homework in comparison to my fellow companions. I go home at 2:30 for the first week, then I began to join clubs. Now, I'm in six. That adds to my schedule so the earliest time I arrive home is 3 and I also have mural painting on Wednesday from 4-7. In terms of having lots to do, I guess I'm pretty busy.

Everywhere you see, you can kind of point out the Juniors. They have excessive bags under their eyes and even the slightest zombie-like feature when passing occurs. They complain to me about their truck load of assignments that need to be done. I actually don't mind it one bit, I'm a good listener, if I may say so myself. A majority of the people have AP classes and Intel so they always tell me they're tired and how much they slept at night. Tired, deprived of sleep.

I sleep after 11 everyday now, I just can't help it. I can't go to sleep without doing something I enjoy. Why? Because if I do, I think I will have mental breakdowns everyday. That's just the way I work. So, yeah, everyday I'm deprived of sleep.

"I'm tired", oh how ambiguous it is.

A Word A Day Blog

I've found a way to learn new vocabulary and improve writing at the same time. I have to give credit to my Creative Writing teacher, Ms. Lustbader. She gave us a journal topic to feature a word in our writing. The idea of it is quite fun, and what a bore to just simply have it as one word of one sentence. My friend had blogs on this very blog system, and honestly, I think I'm also starting one so that I could feel a stronger connection to her. I know, I'm a creep. I mean I've always blogged, not that I was getting tired of livejournal, but I wanted to try something new. So here it is, A Word A Day Blog.